We don't spend time in the same circles so bumping into each other is unlikely.. and because I've decided that you're not worth my time, all that remains is to delete you from my computer and phone.
Your pictures on my phone are the first to go.. I cry like a little girl as I remember that you're never going to be mine and force myself to delete the folder with your pics in it. Thankfully, I was organised and all your pics are in one folder so I can delete the folder and not have to suffer the trauma of seeing your pretty face as I delete each pic in turn. I place the phone aside and leave the room.
Later that day, at work I decide to delete your messages from my phone. I flick through my inbox and realise there's over 900 messages from you. Tears well up and I realise it was probably a mistake to attempt this at work. I sort my messages by sender and check for important messages from other people, save those and then delete everything in my inbox so I won't have to delete all your messages one at a time. I put the phone aside and go sit in the toilets for a little while to regroup. I check myself in the mirror as I leave and notice that my mother was right, I look strained and pale.
Next is the pics from my desktop.. they're not too hard now, I'm getting used to this. I know there's a couple of stray pics in stray folders but I leave them there as a security blanket.
Thankfully, I was also organised with your emails and only have the distress of deleting a folder of your emails. I'm tempted to look at one or two and wish I hadn't as I see your sweet words and are reminded of the good times.
I leave the erasing of you for a while as my heart is bruised from it all.
I come across your stray pics periodically and remind myself that you're not mine and I can't have you as I delete them.
Suddenly, the final blow - you really can't be mine because now you're someone else's. My friends urge me to continue with your abolishment. I hesitate and when I'm asked why, I have no answer. No answer because there isn't one. I'm just clinging to an idea of you.
The last bit of you to go is your MSN. My mouse hovers over the 'block & delete' button. It stays there for such a long time. Finally, I click cancel and then for some reason take you off block. Why did I do that? I wait for you to say something, hoping that with one little 'hi' you can save yourself from being rubbed out completely.
I remember the words of one of my friends, telling me that whatever happens my move to greener pastures should involve a clean slate and I shouldn't let anyone take that from me. I realise that by hanging on to you, my slate will always be a little smeared.. that there's a part of me that will always want to share things with you, things that you no longer have the right to be involved in.
I take a deep breath.. take one last look at your MSN pic.. reblock you and finally delete you.
Now you're gone. I didn't cry like I thought I would. I'm not as distraught as I thought I would be. Maybe I realised that I'd lost you long ago. Maybe I realise you're not worth these feelings. Maybe I'm ok now.
I like the world. I like living in a technology-filled, western world. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so unaware to realise that there is a lot wrong with it - there is war, greed, needless death, destruction, etc. but overall, I like this era.
What I don't like about it, and bitterly lament the loss of, is honour, duty and respect.
Honour - Dictionary.com tells us that honour is "honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions" and that about sums up my view. Honour is about doing the right thing, not just because you might get caught but because it's the fair thing. To not cheat or lie, even when it means you might miss out or come second to someone else.
Duty - Dictionary.com tells us that duty is "something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation" but my gripe is with the lack of moral duty people seem to feel. When you have dependents or people who rely on you, duty makes them first. Your feelings should be second to those who have no option. An example would be the horrible experience of having to put a pet to sleep. Duty dictates that we should sit with the pet quietly while the vet administers the injection, cooing softly to them, even when all we want to do is sob like a 3yr old. The pet deserves to go out as calmly as possible. If we can't do it, then we shouldn't be there for the last moments. It's UNFAIR to make the animal suffer our feelings at that time.
Respect - Dictionary.com tells us that respect is "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability" and I guess my definition would be a slightly more watered down version of that. By respect, I mean respect for everyone. I was recently was standing in a queue and had someone cut in front of me. I knew it was happening and let her make her moves amusedly as I was in no rush. She was an older woman and clearly had a sense of entitlement, that she deserved to move to the front but in doing so showed me a complete lack of respect as a person. Simple things like holding a door for someone shows respect.
Today's society seems hellbent on instant gratification. There doesn't seem to be a sense of honour and duty in going through due process to get something you want or respect for those who have worked harder for something or are more deserved than you.
I recently had a woman declare down her nose to a room that she felt the fact that I needed a second interview "disrespectful" and didn't I agree? I told her no, that the interview process was due process. Her commenting on my interviews was disrepectful as she didn't know me and, secondly, extending her sense of entitlement to me was bordering on rude. That she expected instant gratification after one interview annoyed me.
Instant gratification is best illustrated by the concept of picking up. You go out to a club, you meet someone, you dance, you go home with them and have sex. That's it. Instant gratification. There is a time and a place for instant gratification but when it's used in such abundance, it makes everything so shallow and superficial. There's no stability, no sense of achievement or lasting gratification.
I'm all for seizing opportunities and taking life by the throat but I don't see constantly doing things because they feel good is doing that. What about things that feel RIGHT? Have you ever regretted doing the RIGHT thing?
There are pockets of rebels who still illustrate the old-fashioned aspects of honour, respect and duty but alas, they are few and far between and I lament the loss of these attributes from the general population. Instead, they've been replaced with senses of entitlement and the drive for instant gratification.
You do not inherently have the right to do anything you want and sometimes, you have to wait. Get over it!
You told me you liked me. You told me you had a big crush on me. You told me I was the first thing you thought about when you woke up and the last thing you thought about before you fell asleep. You told me you wanted to spend hours with me, just hanging out. You told me you felt spoken for. You told me that I didn't have any reason to be jealous.
We made plans. We cooed over each other for hours. We stayed up to all hours talking and getting to know each other. We were never stopped talking. We fitted so well.
I believed you. I trusted you. I told you things I hadn't told anyone. I managed to accrue a $800 phone bill but I didn't mind because I stopped imagining life without you. I said no matter what, we'd always be friends but wanting so much more.
You kissed her. We cried. I still wanted you, despite it all.
You decided we were only going to be friends. You promised me that being with her wasn't an option.
We attempted friends. We did ok.
I did my best to be your friend. I tried to make it easier for you, even against all advice from my friends.
You're with her now. We won't be friends. I lied.
Maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe I'm not as gracious as I thought. Maybe you shouldn't have kicked me when you'd already broken my heart. Maybe I should have seen it coming.
You're not worth my time. You're not worth my tears. You will not take anything from me.
